I figured it out! Conventional beauty vs. Individual beauty

So I think I know why this whole life self image thing is bugging me so much. I'm struggling with the concept of conventional beauty vs individual beauty.

For so many years I have always taken comfort in the fact that I am unique and different and that I make my own beauty essentially.  This has been the same with everything; I'm not normal in a lot of respects, and that was always a form of attractiveness.  Eli with the tattoo, Eli with the piercings, Eli with the spiked short hair, Eli with the Rapunzel long hair, etc. etc.

Now that I'm making new changes that are more steam-lined with what today's society would consider attractive, I feel like I'm losing myself to a world of uniformity and, again with this word, convention.  It makes sense for Eli to have long layered hair and bangs because that's what society likes.  And as silly as it sounds, it's really bugging me.

I'm turning into one of them. Okay, major over lapse on what's important with life, but I think that what you perceive on the outside truly does reflect what's on the inside so indulge me.

On the outside, I am making physical changes to look more attractive (notice the world look, not feel).  These changes are what society considers attractive.  On the inside, I am feeling inadequate with who I am and do not feel pretty (and not the world feel not look), so I am making changes to conform to society.  But not necessarily so I will feel better about myself, but so I will look better to the world.  In essence, I'm making changes to hide what's really going on.

So what's really going on? Well I cut my bangs impulsively, and I'm wearing more makeup to hide what I consider to be imperfections; I am ashamed of myself.  I am masking that which was given to my be God to care for, and here I am covering it and marking myself in a way that society accepts, but deep inside simply isn't me.  I'm not trendy, I'm not chic, or in style, or whatever word you want to use.  I am silly, dorky, quirky, bohemian, but here I am making changes in my life to hide just that.

Why? Why are we never proud of who we are and constantly changing ourselves to look how everyone else wants us to? People might think I am becoming more outgoing these days, but in reality I am hiding more of myself than I ever was in the past.  And just like a actor, I spend a crap load of time looking at the mirror throughout the day to make sure my mask is still on straight.

I don't know if that makes sense, and I'm sorry these blog posts have been more about ramblings than anything really useful to you guys, but I usually get really thoughtful around the holiday season so you have to deal with it should you choose to read.

On the plus side my bangs have grown! Woo! I'm excited to show you the growth rate and soon I'm going to be starting a GNC supplement for hair that has a ton of biotin in it, so I'll do a review soon.


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