So, I wasn't going to write this post, but I actually got a request to update (my first request EVER!), so I thought I would share all the fun that's been happening in my life.
The first things first, I GOT BANGS! Here's a photo:
It's a big change for me, considering that I haven't had bangs with long hair since grade school. It was also a big change, because it wasn't necessarily done for the sake of others' approval; for many people in my family, bangs are not a favorite (and no, I'm not talking about you mom, I know that you're reading this :D). I did it anyway, not necessarily because I wanted to rebel, but because I'm slowly becoming an individual person again.
Lately...well, to be perfectly honest, lately the world hasn't revolved around me (not that it ever did, mind you, but anyway) and I have found myself without friends or family around, which means I am alone, which usually means that I start to wallow because I don't know what to do with myself, which leads to mental breakdowns, which leads to straight jackets and...yeah, you get the picture.
So instead of allowing myself to fall into the pit of despair, as I am accustomed to, my husband has insisted that I do something with myself. This has lead me to reevaluating myself as an individual and really trying to accurately assess myself. It's been interesting, because it has led me to some interesting conclusions, the main one being: I am nothing special.
I am not extraordinarily pretty/beautiful/attractive; I am not incredibly talented - I do a lot of things moderately well, but nothing that would merit excessive admiration on any level; I am not sophisticated, or brilliant...I am plain average.
Coming to that realization has been, in a word, liberating. Not being something special has made me so much more aware of how many little things I would doing or think that would put me above others. For example, let's say you feel pretty good looking and you're walking along and someone does a double-take. Now before, I might have thought, "Hmmm! I'm looking pretty good today, even the guys I don't know are noticing!" But now, to accept myself as average, the ludicrousness of that statement cannot even begin to be fathomed! Looking at me because I'm pretty? Please, what a dumb and ridiculous notion! The more probable reason is that I have a piece of spinach between my teeth or because my hair might look like someone stuck my finger in a socket...or something else much more likely and reasonable.
It's also helped with my depression and with my brain overthinking. The depression has been harder to handle, but when you're not constantly trying to be something you're not, the burden and stress of being "ugly", per say, becomes much less a source of unhappiness. Just accepting you're not pretty helps one to not try so hard to be something else that will inevitably lead to disappointment when it doesn't happen. It's helped with the over thinking, because again, if you're don't consider yourself "all that" then there is no reason to re-run scenarios in your head because of course they weren't thinking anything other than what they said, to them you are simply not worth the extra effort of hidden meanings.
Okay, I know that all sounds pretty harsh, and this isn't going to be a popular blog, but being able to embrace that extreme mindset has actually helped me to let go of a lot of insecurities, because those insecurities are simply not applicable to me anymore. It's going to be a journey to get back to a "healthier" mindset, but for right now this is working better than anything else.
Having said all that, I've begun to rebuild myself as an individual; I'm not entirely happy with planning things on my own, but in doing so I'm taking away stress from my husband, who is working two full-time jobs with a couple side businesses in addition, and I'm getting to reconnect with old friends, so there are definitely perks to this. This has also helped me to be more honest; with myself, my husband, and with others, like my family. When I'm planning things for myself, I have the opportunity to really think about what I want; I've gone so long with saying, "I'm good with whatever" when that's not entirely true, that I've forgotten what it's like to have an opinion altogether. I'm just becoming a compliant blob of non-personality, and I'm not okay with that; my husband deserves better, I deserve better and most importantly, GOD deserves better than that.
I've started incorporating new things into my life in little ways, like my hair. It may not seem like much on the outside, but they are pretty big changes to me on the inside; I'm very symbolic, so what might seem insignificant to you most likely has a pretty profound meaning for me. My mom mentioned that I'm not so much an "exotic beauty" anymore and more approachable. At first, this bugged me, because I felt the only thing going for me what being exotic and unique, but when I got down to it I realized...this is more me. This is a more accurate reflection of me on an outward appearance level. I'm not exotic, I'm very approachable, I am nothing special or out of the ordinary. I'm an average wife, with an average income, with an average job, living in an average home, with average expectations in life. It's time I start showing that to the world and stop pretending to be something I'm not.
At any rate, I've also started to collect things to start a small craft business; we'll see how it goes. I'm also going to try and start singing on stage again - that's a big IF because of my work schedule, but maybe I'll be able to do it at least once a year. We'll see. I may not be an incredible singer, but I did fit in well with my local choir, and I had fun doing it.
So I think that's all for now, just a random update blog, but hopefully I'll have to energy/time/desire to get more into it soon. I hope you all had lovely Thanksgivings, and I'll post again soon.