I figured it out! Conventional beauty vs. Individual beauty

So I think I know why this whole life self image thing is bugging me so much. I'm struggling with the concept of conventional beauty vs individual beauty.

For so many years I have always taken comfort in the fact that I am unique and different and that I make my own beauty essentially.  This has been the same with everything; I'm not normal in a lot of respects, and that was always a form of attractiveness.  Eli with the tattoo, Eli with the piercings, Eli with the spiked short hair, Eli with the Rapunzel long hair, etc. etc.

Now that I'm making new changes that are more steam-lined with what today's society would consider attractive, I feel like I'm losing myself to a world of uniformity and, again with this word, convention.  It makes sense for Eli to have long layered hair and bangs because that's what society likes.  And as silly as it sounds, it's really bugging me.

I'm turning into one of them. Okay, major over lapse on what's important with life, but I think that what you perceive on the outside truly does reflect what's on the inside so indulge me.

On the outside, I am making physical changes to look more attractive (notice the world look, not feel).  These changes are what society considers attractive.  On the inside, I am feeling inadequate with who I am and do not feel pretty (and not the world feel not look), so I am making changes to conform to society.  But not necessarily so I will feel better about myself, but so I will look better to the world.  In essence, I'm making changes to hide what's really going on.

So what's really going on? Well I cut my bangs impulsively, and I'm wearing more makeup to hide what I consider to be imperfections; I am ashamed of myself.  I am masking that which was given to my be God to care for, and here I am covering it and marking myself in a way that society accepts, but deep inside simply isn't me.  I'm not trendy, I'm not chic, or in style, or whatever word you want to use.  I am silly, dorky, quirky, bohemian, but here I am making changes in my life to hide just that.

Why? Why are we never proud of who we are and constantly changing ourselves to look how everyone else wants us to? People might think I am becoming more outgoing these days, but in reality I am hiding more of myself than I ever was in the past.  And just like a actor, I spend a crap load of time looking at the mirror throughout the day to make sure my mask is still on straight.

I don't know if that makes sense, and I'm sorry these blog posts have been more about ramblings than anything really useful to you guys, but I usually get really thoughtful around the holiday season so you have to deal with it should you choose to read.

On the plus side my bangs have grown! Woo! I'm excited to show you the growth rate and soon I'm going to be starting a GNC supplement for hair that has a ton of biotin in it, so I'll do a review soon.



Reflecting on the year

Isn't it funny how little things like hair mistakes define us internally?  And it doesn't matter how much effort people put into telling you how much they like you, if you don't like yourself, it isn't going to mean a thing coming from others.

I have spent that past couple of weeks really hating myself.  For those of you that know me in person, I really struggle with depression and I'm not ashamed of that and I'm not going to try and hide it, but this past month has been really, really hard.

And the fact that I really don't like how I look physically has made that even harder.  I've never been happy with my body, which is why I've been working out a lot this past year and really putting a lot of effort into making myself fit and healthy, but I usually had my hair and my face to fall back on.  I'm not saying I have the greatest face, but with longer hair it at least helped console me into being semi-okay with my less than perfect body.

Lately though, after what I'm going to call "my bang job from the hockey stick land", I have really despised my appearance. Now I know I did a big, long, wordy and needless blog about how I was all happy with being ugly and stuff like that, but I'm noticing so much more just how much we as humans deliberately hate on ourselves. The weirdest part for me? It makes me feel better!

How messed up have we become as a society that when we deliberately say things to hurt our inner selves and feel good about it afterwards? It's like we enjoy punishing ourselves in the most demeaning way. I would never talk to anyone the way I talk to myself, so why then do I talk to myself this way?

I recently saw this video about this very problem and I think it helps exemplify how unhealthy we have become as a society, I'm not necessarily talking about how the modeling industry wants a certain body type, or what have you, because honestly, I have no huge problem with the modeling industry, at least not a problem that I'm going to talk about today.  What I have a beef with is how we have learned to punish ourselves to make ourselves feel better because we think we're ugly therefore we are worthy of punishment in the first place.  When did we decide it was okay to deem psychological punishment appropriate because our subjective opinion dictates such?

I'm sure everyone has heard this before, but not having the security blanket in what I considered my most attractive asset, I've really become aware of just how much I hated myself and how much I insulted myself.  It's really been made clear this past week especially.  When the one thing that we hold on to, a temporal thing, is removed from us, we don't default to adapting, we don't try to make it better initially, we don't recognize how unimportant this is to our eternal souls, instead, we resort to hate.  Hate, hurt, contempt.  Like it was our faults that we look the way we do, assuming we have the power to deem worth through physical looks, assuming that we know what beauty even is. How backwards. How upside down.

My goal for these coming months is to really focus on not what I look like physically, but what I would like spiritually.  I don't want to be known as that discontent person who is never happy, which I know that is more often than not how I act.  I think, silly as it sounds, I'm going to aim for basics again; I'm going to grow my hair all out, no layers, no bangs, and while that may not make sense to, say, you guys out there who aren't reading this, but for some reason I'm symbolistic to a ridiculous level and going to back to a style that doesn't require newfangled-ness I think will really help me get back to a none crazy level with fashion and looks.  I've never been one to try and be up to date with the fashion, but I don't think people realize how time consuming and soul sucking it can be, even at the level that I do it.

So, this is nothing more than a long ramble, and I will try to think of more interesting things to talk about, but right now, this is what is important to me, so let the anti self-hate and hair growing campaign begin!


I did something really stupid...

Why is the grass always greener on the other side?

I think it's because, 1) God tells us not to do something and then we do it anyway so He says, "well, fine.  Learn it the hard way." and 2) Because we are just plain stupid sometimes and don't appreciate what we have.

That being said...I did something stupid.  I cut in bangs.

Bwahaha, I'm sure you all are like, "wait a minute, you were just telling us how great they were...?" And yeah, they were, for about two second and then I feel like I look like this;

That is not the face you see when you think, hmmm sexy! That is the face you see when you are about to die in a sugar-induced nightmare coma. Yeah.....so I'm not really happy right now.
But on the bright side, I'm learning to embrace my inner 80s mullet and have become a ninja at hiding my mullet bangs. Also, if there is anything my mother has taught me it's to look on the bright side of life...the bright side of this is that I now will appreciate and love the hair that my God gave me and will never ever try to have bangs cut in again.  Ever.  I might keep some pieces right at collar bone length for some face framing but that's it.  I'm writing off layers.  Ever.  Again.

I'm going to also do something a little fun; every night I'm going to take a picture of my bangs and when they are where I want them to be I'll create a gif for you guys to see the progress.

Picture number one to start off my journey from mullet hair:

That's all for now.  One word of advice, if you're thinking about it: DON'T CUT YOUR BANGS!!!!!


Accepting Average and Change

Hey all,

So, I wasn't going to write this post, but I actually got a request to update (my first request EVER!), so I thought I would share all the fun that's been happening in my life.

The first things first, I GOT BANGS! Here's a photo:

It's a big change for me, considering that I haven't had bangs with long hair since grade school.  It was also a big change, because it wasn't necessarily done for the sake of others' approval; for many people in my family, bangs are not a favorite (and no, I'm not talking about you mom, I know that you're reading this :D).  I did it anyway, not necessarily because I wanted to rebel, but because I'm slowly becoming an individual person again.

I'll explain:
Lately...well, to be perfectly honest, lately the world hasn't revolved around me (not that it ever did, mind you, but anyway) and I have found myself without friends or family around, which means I am alone, which usually means that I start to wallow because I don't know what to do with myself, which leads to mental breakdowns, which leads to straight jackets and...yeah, you get the picture.

So instead of allowing myself to fall into the pit of despair, as I am accustomed to, my husband has insisted that I do something with myself. This has lead me to reevaluating myself as an individual and really trying to accurately assess myself. It's been interesting, because it has led me to some interesting conclusions, the main one being: I am nothing special.

I am not extraordinarily pretty/beautiful/attractive; I am not incredibly talented - I do a lot of things moderately well, but nothing that would merit excessive admiration on any level; I am not sophisticated, or brilliant...I am plain average.

Coming to that realization has been, in a word, liberating. Not being something special has made me so much more aware of how many little things I would doing or think that would put me above others.  For example, let's say you feel pretty good looking and you're walking along and someone does a double-take.  Now before, I might have thought, "Hmmm! I'm looking pretty good today, even the guys I don't know are noticing!" But now, to accept myself as average, the ludicrousness of that statement cannot even begin to be fathomed! Looking at me because I'm pretty? Please, what a dumb and ridiculous notion! The more probable reason is that I have a piece of spinach between my teeth or because my hair might look like someone stuck my finger in a socket...or something else much more likely and reasonable.

It's also helped with my depression and with my brain overthinking.  The depression has been harder to handle, but when you're not constantly trying to be something you're not, the burden and stress of being "ugly", per say, becomes much less a source of unhappiness. Just accepting you're not pretty helps one to not try so hard to be something else that will inevitably lead to disappointment when it doesn't happen.   It's helped with the over thinking, because again, if you're don't consider yourself "all that" then there is no reason to re-run scenarios in your head because of course they weren't thinking anything other than what they said,  to them you are simply not worth the extra effort of hidden meanings.

Okay, I know that all sounds pretty harsh, and this isn't going to be a popular blog, but being able to embrace that extreme mindset has actually helped me to let go of a lot of insecurities, because those insecurities are simply not applicable to me anymore.  It's going to be a journey to get back to a "healthier" mindset, but for right now this is working better than anything else.

Having said all that, I've begun to rebuild myself as an individual; I'm not entirely happy with planning things on my own, but in doing so I'm taking away stress from my husband, who is working two full-time jobs with a couple side businesses in addition, and I'm getting to reconnect with old friends, so there are definitely perks to this.  This has also helped me to be more honest; with myself, my husband, and with others, like my family.  When I'm planning things for myself, I have the opportunity to really think about what I want; I've gone so long with saying, "I'm good with whatever" when that's not entirely true, that I've forgotten what it's like to have an opinion altogether.  I'm just becoming a compliant blob of non-personality, and I'm not okay with that; my husband deserves better, I deserve better and most importantly, GOD deserves better than that.

I've started incorporating new things into my life in little ways, like my hair.  It may not seem like much on the outside, but they are pretty big changes to me on the inside; I'm very symbolic, so what might seem insignificant to you most likely has a pretty profound meaning for me.  My mom mentioned that I'm not so much an "exotic beauty" anymore and more approachable.  At first, this bugged me, because I felt the only thing going for me what being exotic and unique, but when I got down to it I realized...this is more me.  This is a more accurate reflection of me on an outward appearance level. I'm not exotic, I'm very approachable, I am nothing special or out of the ordinary.  I'm an average wife, with an average income, with an average job, living in an average home, with average expectations in life.  It's time I start showing that to the world and stop pretending to be something I'm not.

At any rate, I've also started to collect things to start a small craft business; we'll see how it goes.  I'm also going to try and start singing on stage again - that's a big IF because of my work schedule, but maybe I'll be able to do it at least once a year.  We'll see.  I may not be an incredible singer, but I did fit in well with my local choir, and I had fun doing it.

So I think that's all for now, just a random update blog, but hopefully I'll have to energy/time/desire to get more into it soon.  I hope you all had lovely Thanksgivings, and I'll post again soon.